Today started off lonely. There’s an anxiety I feel when I’m alone and it’s something I need to conquer. It doesn’t happen all the time, but particularly when I’ve spent a great deal of time with someone. It’s like I forget how to be alone! Like a culture shock, but with no people.. I feel so lost and don’t know what to do. Like I’m getting left behind by everyone else and have fallen out of everyone’s lives. The anxiety of being alone also somehow seems to coincide with the time when everyone chooses to stop texting. Ridiculous I know! Today, it was saved by my mom and sister coming to pick me up. Although the atmosphere was tense, it was immensely better than being by myself.
Although my family provides a negative and dreary energy, I sometimes enjoy being able to come into it because I know I can provide something positive. After speaking to my family members individually today, I decided that I want to be the best sibling and best daughter I can be. It’s true that my family hasn’t done the best for me in the past, but that doesn’t mean I should do the same. I have worked hard to stay positive myself despite my family, so maybe I can help them be positive too, even if it’s solely in their interaction with me.
I talked to David about upgrading my phone and helped him look at loft beds online.
I talked to my mom about Vietnamese cuisine and how to make nuoc mam. I found out that you make different kinds depending on what you’re eating! If you’re making something like banh xeo, you start with boiling water, add the other nuoc mam and sugar.. Taste it, then add pepper paste. But if you’re making it for fish, you don’t use boiling water, you use lemon, nuoc mam, sugar and pepper paste. We talked about the “poor” Vietnamese foods too. I was trying to get an understanding of how Vietnamese cuisine has come to be how it is now. Hopefully this leads to more conversations about my culture. I’m sure my mom will be happy to know that I’m interested in learning!
I talked to my sister about the pastry-making class I bought her. Not gonna lie, not much positivity here, but I just wanted to let her know that I know she’s lonely and doesn’t know what to do with herself. So, I think it would be good for her to pursue hobbies or anything that she’s always been interested in. She’s gone back to folding stars, but at least it gives her some comfort. She said she ordered 500 straws for folding stars off eBay and if she likes them, she’s going to order 5000. This was the first moment that I started to see joy in her face and it made me happy too.
My dad asked me to make a menu for his restaurant. He just wanted me to type it in Word but I saw this as an opportunity for design! So I made a menu in Photoshop, it’s not the best but let me help my dad by doing something I love. When I showed him, he clicked his tongue in approval. He said I’m like a professional! It’s good to know that he feels I’m capable of something and that I was able to help him in my own way.
(No interaction with my other brother but he ate all my strawberry shortcake ice cream so it’s like I spread positivity to his stomach and I’m accepting credit retroactively!)
My family has always been a source of internal and external conflict for me, but I want to change that. I really just want to see everyone happy and I need to let go of some of the hurt they have given me. Instead, I should treat them well and hope that it will affect how they treat others and maybe me. It was a little easier today because I haven’t seen my family for a week, but hopefully I can keep this up for the rest of the week, and then life!
Sometimes it pains me that my writing is so ineloquent and unpoetic.. but this post is mainly for me to remember the positive thoughts and interactions of today. so it’ll do. It’s so easy to forget the good when things seem bad. Oh man, I just took like 10 minutes to try to think of a metaphor, but it just did not come. I was really hoping I could redeem myself with some beautiful words that were carefully painted with the soft strokes of deep thought and reflection…
A good day. On to the next one!