A Cup of Amazement

I’m writing this right after my last post because it’s always on my mind, but a totally different mindset than the previous post. 

Driving.
I am 22 years old and I just got my license less than two weeks ago. This is because driving has always seemed like an incredibly complex and daunting task to take on. You’re in control of a two ton piece of metal that is hurling itself at speeds of over 60 miles per hour. Not only that, there are hundreds around you doing the same thing. You constantly hear about all the stupid people in the world and how they’re incapable of doing this or that job. So how is that virtually everyone learns how to drive? It really just blows my mind. I am not meaning to brag, but by some standards, people consider me smart, but I am terrified of driving. I really would not want to if it was not basically a necessity. The freedom and the control of driving feels nice but the complexity is just overwhelming. 

I’m getting sad about what happened earlier again so I guess I’m done for now. 

A Cup of Regret

Today, I had my first car incident. Luckily, it didn’t involve any other people and wasn’t even a collision. I backed my passenger side fender panel into something and it has left a sad, sad dent in my car. I am so annoyed and angry with myself because of course, it could have been easily avoided just by being a little more careful while backing out.. but I guess that’s how all accidents happen.
For the rest of the day, I was so distraught and frazzled that I could have definitely gotten into a more substantial car accident. I kept veering to the right while driving. I understand the strong urge to text while driving now. Before, I thought.. of course I’m not going to text while I’m driving. There’s something about driving alone and really concentrating that makes you want to have some social interaction in the meantime. Maybe that’s just me, but that’s how I feel. Maybe I’m looking for a reminder that I have people to talk to while I’m driving alone among all the strangers.
Whoa, tangent. Anyway, I finally called my mom and let her know and she took it surprisingly well. She said that my dad and her will take care of it and to just be careful. I’m really worried that my mom is underestimating the damage done (which isn’t much, I guess) and will be horrified when she finally sees it. I hate this lack of experience that I have that makes me feel so totally helpless and clueless. It is coupled with my insecurity of my family thinking that I am in fact, helpless and clueless. I have such a Napoleon complex and I am always wanting to prove myself, or in the very least, not disprove myself. 
I really just keep thinking about how I should have done this, or I should have done that. I have to remind myself there is no use looking in the past. Hindsight is most certainly 20/20 and all I can do now is be rational and sensible from here on out. 

A Cup of Progress

For years now, my bedroom door has been bothering me. Every time I closed it, the latch would not quite fit into the strike plate. Okay, so I looked up the parts of a door knob to write that. But what happened was, the thing wouldn’t fit into the hole so my door would never shut completely. This ends up being quite a pain. So when my door was “shut,” if any doors nearby were slammed, my door would swing open. This would happen when I’m sleeping too, meaning I would have to uncomfortably sleep with the door open with people walking back and forth by my room, or get up out of bed and shut it. While I’d be getting ready, I’d have to stand by the door and kick it closed every time it started to swing open. I’d leave my trash can in front of the door so it’d be there to catch it whenever I wasn’t at the door and needed it to stay shut. Obviously, this is not a big problem, but a nuisance enough. EXCEPT, I never did anything about it.

Until today. I took a screwdriver and took off the strike plate (metal plate on the door frame with the hole that the latch inserts into). The hole that is made into the door frame is big enough that it lets the latch catch into it. So, years and years of a pain took 5 minutes to fix. It reminds me that no matter how small or big a problem is, absolutely no progress is made unless action is taken. Yet, we sit around in life waiting for things to happen.

Huh.

A Cup of Freedom

For the first time, I feel free whether I am at my apartment or at home with my family. My life is my own in either place. Before, I felt like I had to pick how I lived according to where I was. It feels so good to feel like I can do what I want. I hope that I can hold onto this for a long time because I’ve been looking for it all my life. 

A Cup of July (21st)

Today started off lonely. There’s an anxiety I feel when I’m alone and it’s something I need to conquer. It doesn’t happen all the time, but particularly when I’ve spent a great deal of time with someone. It’s like I forget how to be alone! Like a culture shock, but with no people.. I feel so lost and don’t know what to do. Like I’m getting left behind by everyone else and have fallen out of everyone’s lives. The anxiety of being alone also somehow seems to coincide with the time when everyone chooses to stop texting. Ridiculous I know! Today, it was saved by my mom and sister coming to pick me up. Although the atmosphere was tense, it was immensely better than being by myself.

Although my family provides a negative and dreary energy, I sometimes enjoy being able to come into it because I know I can provide something positive. After speaking to my family members individually today, I decided that I want to be the best sibling and best daughter I can be. It’s true that my family hasn’t done the best for me in the past, but that doesn’t mean I should do the same. I have worked hard to stay positive myself despite my family, so maybe I can help them be positive too, even if it’s solely in their interaction with me.
I talked to David about upgrading my phone and helped him look at loft beds online.
I talked to my mom about Vietnamese cuisine and how to make nuoc mam. I found out that you make different kinds depending on what you’re eating! If you’re making something like banh xeo, you start with boiling water, add the other nuoc mam and sugar.. Taste it, then add pepper paste. But if you’re making it for fish, you don’t use boiling water, you use lemon, nuoc mam, sugar and pepper paste. We talked about the “poor” Vietnamese foods too. I was trying to get an understanding of how Vietnamese cuisine has come to be how it is now. Hopefully this leads to more conversations about my culture. I’m sure my mom will be happy to know that I’m interested in learning!
I talked to my sister about the pastry-making class I bought her. Not gonna lie, not much positivity here, but I just wanted to let her know that I know she’s lonely and doesn’t know what to do with herself. So, I think it would be good for her to pursue hobbies or anything that she’s always been interested in. She’s gone back to folding stars, but at least it gives her some comfort. She said she ordered 500 straws for folding stars off eBay and if she likes them, she’s going to order 5000. This was the first moment that I started to see joy in her face and it made me happy too.
My dad asked me to make a menu for his restaurant. He just wanted me to type it in Word but I saw this as an opportunity for design! So I made a menu in Photoshop, it’s not the best but let me help my dad by doing something I love. When I showed him, he clicked his tongue in approval. He said I’m like a professional! It’s good to know that he feels I’m capable of something and that I was able to help him in my own way.
(No interaction with my other brother but he ate all my strawberry shortcake ice cream so it’s like I spread positivity to his stomach and I’m accepting credit retroactively!)

My family has always been a source of internal and external conflict for me, but I want to change that. I really just want to see everyone happy and I need to let go of some of the hurt they have given me. Instead, I should treat them well and hope that it will affect how they treat others and maybe me. It was a little easier today because I haven’t seen my family for a week, but hopefully I can keep this up for the rest of the week, and then life!

Sometimes it pains me that my writing is so ineloquent and unpoetic.. but this post is mainly for me to remember the positive thoughts and interactions of today. so it’ll do. It’s so easy to forget the good when things seem bad. Oh man, I just took like 10 minutes to try to think of a metaphor, but it just did not come. I was really hoping I could redeem myself with some beautiful words that were carefully painted with the soft strokes of deep thought and reflection…

LOL.

A good day. On to the next one!

A Cup of Love

For several years now, I’ve hoped and I’ve waited.
The tables have turned from where they began.
You were the one chasing and now, I sit by myself, far behind.
I feel now, clueless as ever
Doubtful and hopeful at the same time
But still, I can thank you for so many things.
You’ve inspired me to love myself.
Despite the pain, it’s all been worth it.
But I still sit in fear, wondering where this all leads.